WERE YOU BORN IN A TENT

Tuesday 8 October 2013

THE PETTY OFFICER

113 Victoria Ave, Albert Park

Visited: 19th September 2013

Design: Like a naval officer in uniform this door presented itself with impeccable professionalism. Soft greys, crisp whites, clean glass and blonde wood. All ship shape and reporting for duty sir!

I found the simplicity of this door pleasing to the eye, it framed beautifully, the colour scheme worked well together and everything felt in proportion and balanced. The feel of the 45 degree angled stainless steel handle felt amazing in the hand. I also liked the font of the lettering with the stripes. Yet despite all of this one thing kept throwing me out. Like mud on the pants leg of a bleached white naval suit, I didn't understand the purpose of the second bespoke crafted bronze handle above the stainless steel handle. Why is it there? Do you open with stainless steel then quickly reach for the bespoke or reach for the stainless steel with the right and push the bespoke with the left? The bespoke handle was a great design but it just didn't suit the door, have one or the other. Too much going on. Or if you are going to put a second handle on, keep going put 12 handles on. Cover the door in handles. Fast, smooth close yet there was a loud bang on the last section of the close. The sergeant has spoken!!

NOW GIVE ME 20 FARKARRR!!!!!!

Door resistance: 3

Closure mechanism: Hidden hydraulic arm

Draft: Minimal

Squeak level: 0

Change return time: 15 sec

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PROFESSIONAL DOOR REVIEWER

Searching the world for the perfect door to eat behind.

First impressions are always important, especially for a restaurant or cafe. So many people are focusing on the food these days that I felt there was a hole in the reviews world. No one was looking at the most important thing, THE DOOR! Everyone complains when it is left open, death stares are exchange when the unsuspecting group of friends having a fun night enter the premises from the cold only to walk straight in and go straight to their table totally oblivious they have left the door wide open to allow an arctic strength gale force wind to cut through the previously warm interior. Like a scene from a western film where everyone in the premises stops what they are doing and cuts down the new comers with a deathly stare. Occasionally you will get the confident diner who gets up, walks across the restaurant and closes the door with a BANG! Just to let the new comers know they have done wrong and to NEVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN!!!!! This individual makes their way back to the table staring at the newcomers, just to make sure they got the message. The only problem is, is that 5 minutes later another group come in and do the same thing and he/she feels obliged to continually do this for the rest of the night.

Well hopefully this blog puts a light on the owners of these establishments and encourages them to lift their game and create doors that allow diners to sit and enjoy their meal, to give the diner an experience before they enter the building. It is also a thank you to the makers of quality doors who care about craftsmanship.

I have developed a scoring system based on,

DESIGN:

This is assessed by the materials the door is made from, whether the door is themed, cluttered or minimal and whether there is an element of surprise or not.

DOOR RESISTANCE: 1 to 5

1 = light push

5 = heavy push

CLOSURE MECHANISM: Manual, automatic or

hydraulic arm

DRAFT: Minimal, medium or high

SQUEAK LEVEL: 0 up to 5

0 = No squeak

5 = Ear piercing

Then the last assessment is the,

CHANGE RETURN TIME:

This is the amount of time it takes to get my change once I have given the waiter the money for the bill. Last impressions are always just as important as first.